Yuri is Done With Everyone's Shit
by bentellsitlikeitis
Summary: Viktor, Yuuri, and Yuri have to stock up on groceries while they visit in the US for a while. It should be a simple task but Yuri can't stand fatty american food. He also can't stand Viktor or Yuuri or for people to stare, wear fake fuzzy boots, be cowards or whine, or judge his fashion sense. However he will put up with some Oreo cookies.


Yuri glared through slitted eyes at the piggy and Viktor. Viktor himself was turning into a piggy as well. Since they 1st arrived in the United States both of these men have been obsessed with "American cuisine". As far as Yurio was concerned it was all deathly unhealthy junk food. Watching two grown mean salavat over the trash was more than his patience could take. They came to this atrocity of a market to gather necessities not this unhealthy shit. No way was all this shit food staying in the cart.

"Are the two piggys going to continue to drool over the trash or can we move along? I can see your waist growing from here."

Viktor looked up from the colorful cereals they had been oogling. He smiled at the rude Russian, not taking Yuri's outburst personally being use to it by now. "Oh come now Yurio surely there is nothing wrong with browsing and enjoying each other's company. I'm having fun, aren't you having fun Yuuri?"

The Japanese man looked up and nodded at Viktor a huge smile spread across his face. "Yes I'm having a great time!" His enthusiasm made Yuri groan.

"First my name is not Yurio. STOP CALLING ME THAT! Second of course the piggy is having fun he's got his two favorite things fatty food and the idiot he throws himself all over. All of it is disgusting!" The blond Russian scowled.

"I don't throw myself all over anyone!" Yuuri bit back his voice rising a little.

Viktor smirked as he grabbed Yuuri around the waist with his right arm and rested his chin on the Japanese mans shoulder. "Indeed my yummy pork cutlet bowl is ever the gentleman, I however have no qualms against a little public affection." As Viktor said it he used his left hand to grab Yuuri's butt. Yuuri squealed at the unexpected contact then turn and swatted Viktor away while a blush covered his face.

Yuri sneered at the immature silver haired Russian before turning his back to the pair and choosing to if not their complete existence. When he turned he noticed that the older man's antics had caused a few spectators and it only fueled his rage. Speaking at a level and tone that would be heard aisles down, "Look now you've made the Americans gawk at us." Yuri pointed to the poor souls trying desperately now to turn away, "Oh don't turn away now! Are you embarrassed you've been caught. It's ok the piggy and his companion are not done I'm sure." Yuri started to go after the customers trying to flee the aisle. "Why are you all running away!"

Yuuri nervously looked to Viktor, "Shouldn't you stop him? He's making an awful scene and scaring the other shoppers."

Viktor shrugged, "Let the kid have his fun."

"Fun? He's on a rampage!" He looked back to the younger skater who had a scared looking bald man cornered by the oatmeal.

Viktor only continued to smile, "You and I both know getting in his way would only make it worse. The kid is nothing but determination, attitude, and rage. Give him a few moments he will grow bored and settle down."

Yuuri sighed, "If you say so Viktor."

The Russian place a small kiss on top of the dark haired mans head, "I do say so. But while Yuri is entertaining himself why don't we go to the bakery and see if we can get any more free samples." Yuuri nodded and followed behind Viktor as he pushed the cart towards the bakery.

Yuri watched the bald man slink away. The man looked behind him and Yuri actually bares his teeth. The blond gave a humph sound as the man turned heel and speed walked away.

"Nosey americans, all of them I swear," the blond mumbled as he turned back to his companions only to find himself looking down an empty aisle. He huffed as he purposely knocked a box of instant oatmeal to the floor. "Idiots, where did they go."

Yuri made his way to the end of the aisle and look left than right. He saw no sign of the others so taking a guess he turned right. "They are probably shoving as much trash food in the cart as they can. If they think I'm spending my money on that junk they can think again. It's not fair to split the food 3 ways when the piggy eats double what I eat." Yuri continued to mumble to himself earning him a few odd looks. Most he didn't notice but when he did happen to look up and catch someone staring he made sure they knew he had seen them.

Yuri was becoming frustrated from wandering with no luck. A brown haired teenage girl wear a vest that marked as an employee walked by. She was small and wore blue skinny jeans tucked into furry boots.

"You! Stop and show me what aisle I would go to find fatty food if I was a pig."

The girl turned and started at Yuri like he was alien and the Russian only glared back. Not sure what to do she smiled and gave the normal hello, "Hi I'm Amy! Welcome to Super Foods and More can i help you find anything today?" Her voice oozed cheerfulness and she smiled big showing all her teeth.

"Are you dense did you not listen? I need the aisle when the fat people eat! Can you take me there? Or should I ask someone else?" The girl just stared at him, "I am speaking English right? I know my English is understandable are you deaf?"

Amy looked around for a fellow employee to help. She didn't know how to deal with the angry foreign man. She was only a part time employee and frankly pawning him off on someone else sounded like a good idea. Catch a work mate out of the corner of her eye she waved them over. Still smiling she said, "This is Tara and she will be happy to assist you with what you need." Turning to he co worker, "This guy needs help finding something and I'm going to break he's all yours."

Tara turned to Yuri. She looked about the same age a slightly bigger build and she had dyed black hair with piercings going up both ears. Where as Amy was bubbly Tara seemed to have a less bright attitude. "Ok sir what can I help you find?"

Yuri pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "I need the aisle of food that the piggys like. Take me to where I would go if I wanted to eat food to make me a disgusting fat pig!" Tara eyes they boy as he spat out the words.

"Ok sir I can tell you are not from around here. You will have to been more specific because in America most of our food is loaded with fats and sugar and chemicals. Basically any of it could make you a fat pig. We have a chip and soda alsie, a frozen fried foods aisle, an aisle for snacks and cookies. We have one for-"

Yuri cut her off, "Take me to cookies. The piggys like the sweet foods."

Tara sighed, "Ok sir if you follow me down to aisle 11 I will show you where the cookie are."

As they walked another group of girls with the fake fur walked by. "I do not get you Americans. Why do you buy fake fur boots to wear in the winter that are not waterproof and get ruined by the snow? That makes no sense."

Tara gave Yuri a bored look, "Well sir you see in America fashion is considered more important than practicality."

"It is stupid," Yuri replied.

"You are right sir. It is stupid."

"Yes it is. The way you dress is also kind of stupid. All in black, black hair, black nails and the black lipstick. Are you trying to look scary because you don't."

Tara raises an eyebrow, "No sir I'm not trying to look scary I'm just comfortable in black. I dress for myself and no one else." Yuri just nodded. "By the way sir may I ask why you are wearing a tiger print fitted shirt and a hoodie bedazzled with gems? I thought maybe you were just an ugly girl but maybe you are a go-go dancer at a gay club."

Yuri gapped at the girl who continued with a look of in interest. "I am known for my good fashion in Russia and the skating world." Yuri pulled out if phone, "Look at my Twitter. I already have many comments about what I am wearing today. See, look. Look!" Yuri shoved his phone in the girl's face. "Do you see all the likes and retweets? Look how many followers I have."

"Yes sir I see. You look very nice in your sparkly outfit. I didn't know so many people shared the same fashion sense as a 14 year old girl. You must be very proud."

The Russian grinded his teeth. "At least I don't dress and act like a bored vampire!"

"Oh sir I'm not bored I'm actually pleasantly entertained at the moment. Sadly though I'm afraid our time has come to an end as you can see we are now in the cookie and snacks aisle." Tara held an arm out as if presenting a prize but her face and voice showed no enthusiasm.

Yuri looked around, "Oh ok. Well I guess I will wait here and see if the piggys show up." Tara started to walk away, "Oh vampire," she turned and raised an eyebrow to Yuri. " I am glad that you are not a coward like most people. That is a good thing."

Tara nodded, "Thank you sir good luck with the piggys."

Yuri turned slowly taking in the aisle. There were so many different packages and different types of cookies. Why did the Americans need so many choices. Wasn't a cookie just a cookie. A fatty sugary treat for pigs. Yuri started to mutter to himself, "How do you even decide? Have they tried them all? I would get so fat if I merely tried to taste them all." He grabbed a package and read it before scrunching his nose in disgust and shoving it back on the shelf. He continued that process a few times before a small voice got his attention.

"Are you trying to decide which cookies you want?" Yuri looked to see a boy probably 8 or 9 standing next to him.

"No I think they all look like trash. Are you picking out cookies."

The boy nodded, "My mom told me I could get one package."

Yuri frowned, "One package? How do you pick one out of all these? So many choices."

The boy just shrugged, "I just get my favorite."

"Oh," It seemed like sound logic to Yuri.

"If you aren't getting cookies why are you in the cookie aisle?" the boy asked.

Yuri looked down at the boy, "I'm waiting for the piggys to show up."

That made the boy giggle. "You are kind of weird."

The Russian shot the boys sour look, "Well you are kind of rude. You shouldn't call people weird. Did your mother teach you no manners?"

The boy didn't answer, he seemed to be studying Yuri's face. "I think I saw you on TV before. You ice skate don't You?"

Yuri smiled , "Yes that is me. Do you watch a lot? Do you want to skate?"

The boy shook his head no, "Naw, my 13 year sister always has it on. She is way into that stuff. Its funny I thought you were a girl but you're not are you?"

The blonde clench his jaw, "No I'm not a girl."

"That's ok! My mom says it's ok for boys to like glittery clothes and girly stuff."

Yuri groaned as he ran both hands frustratedly through his hair. "Get your cookies and go," he stomped.

The boy pointed to a blue back above his head and Yuri begrudgingly handed them down to the boy. "Double stuffed Oreos are my favorite! Have you tried the"

"No I'm not ever sure they are available in Russia."

The boy's eyes went big, "Oh that would suck! You have to try these." The boys started to rip the package open.

"What are you doing? You have to buy them first." Yuri looked around.

"It's ok my mom's going to pay for them anyway," the boy pulled a cookie out for Yuri, "Here try it!"

Yuri shook his head no. "I don't want to."

"They are really good."

"I told you no, I don't eat that trash."

"But you have to! Please, please, pleeeeeeeease!"

"STOP! Stop with that whining and begging it's infuriating." The boy still held the cookie out. "You will not give up will you?"

"Nope, mom says I'm stubborn."

"Fine I will try the stupid cookie." Yuri sighed as he snatched the cookie from the boy. "It looks like a tiny round fatty sandwich." The boy nodded happily at Yuri's description. With one last defeated sigh Yuri bit into the cookie ready to spit the foul sugary trash out.

Yuri's eyes went big and round and his tasted the cookie. This was not what he had expected. The crunchy outside was perfectly crisp like a chocolate delicious cracker. And the inside was indescribable. It wasn't a fluffy sticky cream, it was thicker than he expected. It's such flavor perfectly complemented the crunchy outside. It was like a whole new truth had been opened up to Yuri.

"This, This is amazing. I can't believe a cookie like this exist. It taste like winning feels." Yuri held his hand out for another cookie, "Do all Americans know about these. These are great!"

The boy only smiled, "Told you."

They were sitting on the floor in the aisle and had half the package gone before the boy jumped up. He handed the open package to Yuri, "Well I gotta go I hear my mom calling for me."

"I didn't hear anything," the boy just waved and took off.

Yuri shrugged before popping another cookie in his mouth. He was a mess sitting cross legged on the floor half eat package of Oreos with the crumb all over him. It was quite a sight for the store security guard who was coming down the aisle. He stopped in front of Yuri and gave him a questioning look.

"Move along, I'm waiting for the piggys."

The guard looked at the half eaten package then back at Yuri.

Yuri only glared and pointed to the shelf, "There are more get your own."

The guard crossed both arms over his chest.

Yuri huffed and held out the opened package, "Fine just take one of mine."

The guard sighed reaching down he grabbed Yuri around the upper arm. "Come on guy let's find your parents ok."

"Wait, what do you mean? Stop yanking on me. Where are we going!" The guard silently pulled Yuri along up to the service desk stopping in front of it.

"I found this kid just sitting in the cookie aisle on the floor eating out of a package of Oreos. I'm not sure what his deal is but there has to be someone here responsible for him because I'm sure he not allowed out on his own." The guard sat Yuri down in a chair behind the security desk, "I'm putting him hear so you can keep an eye on him Tara. I'm not even going to try to get the cookies just let the kid keep him. His guardian or whoever can Pay for them when they come get him."

The stoic girl burst out into raucous laughter after the guard walked away. She beat her hand on the device desk as she tried to catch he breath from the laughter. Yuri crossed his arms and looked away from her. He didn't see her take a picture of the cookie covered, pouting, figure skater behind the desk.

"Stop laughing vampire girl. You look odd when you mouth makes your face look happy!"

"I can't help it. This has got to be the funniest thing that's ever happened."

"It's not my fault the boy ran and let me take the fall. He said his mom would pay for the cookies and then he ran as soon as he saw the guard."

"The big bad Russian got played by a kid. Nice!"

"Shut up!" Yuri screamed his face turning red.

"We should really find Yuri don't you think? He has been wandering for a while now."

Viktor looked over at Yuuri as he pushed the cart overloaded with groceries. "I suppose you are right."

Just as they started to head to find Yuri and announcement played over the loudspeaker.

 **Attention would Viktor N. And Yuuri K. Please report to the service desk we have your child..** the speaker seemed to be arguing with someone the 2 guys could hear a very angry voice in the back but couldn't make out what it was saying. **Sorry about that, would Viktor N. And Yuuri K. Please report to the service desk we have your NOT child. Stop it sparkles I'm still live here, no I won't give you the phone, sit your butt back down before I take the Oreos. Good. Sorry again anyway we have the Russian crybaby at the service desk if you would please come claim him.** There a click and the announcement was over.

Viktor and Yuuri gave each other a quick glance and rushed to the service desk.

Viktor and Yuuri couldn't stop laughing most of the night. Tara had told them the entire story with glare when Yuri had refused to speak to anyone. Now Yuri sat jaw clenched, arms crossed, fuming on the sofa. He only moved when his phone dinged. Someone had tagged him on a picture.

The caption read _Yuri P. Renowned figure skater and fashionista for the army of pre teen girls finds murdering a package of Oreos with his face the best way to spend the day!_

Yuri's whole face went red as he screamed, "THE FUCKING VAMPIRE GIRL!"

Viktor looked to Yuuri and they both shook their heads and heading to watch TV in the bedroom letting Yuri fume on his own.


End file.
